BOOZEHOUND

i think it's time to tell you my little story. this happened at the reception after your wedding.

do you remember me walking in on you and the best men looking a bit dazed at the golf club? sorry, but i didn't know that i wasn't supposed to be there... this is because i had been missing for about 45 minutes and didn't get the message.

and where was i during that time? let me explain.

as soon as i was in the golf club i asked where the toilet was, since i'd had a fairly long stint of taking photos without a chance to take a piss. some chick was there who apparently worked at the joint and looked like she was helping out with shit. she was the one i asked. she tried to explain to me where the toilets were, but only succeeded in confusing the figurative piss out of me. i was more interested in literally expelling it from my bladder. she noticed that she was wasting her time (probably because the expression on my face was not dissimilar to how a dachshund might look if you tried to explain calculus to it). eventually she just said "follow me".

so i did. i followed her a short distance around a corner and up to a door with a glass window in it, which was at the end of a small hallway. she let me know that the toilets were through that door. you could see through the glass that there were two doors beyond it. she pointed at one of them. assuming that her body language was not as entirely fucking abysmal as her skill in communication, i thought "sweet, she is OBVIOUSLY pointing at the male toilet door. all i have to do is walk through that fucker and relieve myself. then i can relax and have a good night!"

she immediately marches off. i then turn and walk straight through that door without even looking at it. first thing i notice is that there are no piss troughs. so i think "golly, this place sure is swell - so swanky that they don't even have piss troughs! what class!"

i head straight for a toilet, shut the door behind me and start pissing. ahhh, awesome.

wait a minute, is that a tampon disposal unit? OH SHI-

i hear a door open. the click of footsteps. not man-steps... sounds more like HIGH FUCKING HEELS. more footsteps. female voices. OH MY FUCKING GOD. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

i tell myself to calm down. sit on the toilet and wait for them to leave. there is only two of them. just wait and then run for it.

but they don't leave. they stand there and talk. i don't know what they saying; they speak a language i don't know.

another female enters. and talks. someone goes to the toilet (there are two - i am occupying one of them). more bitches enter the room. oh god...

GET THE FUCK OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING SLUT BITCH MOTHERFUCKERS. SHUT UP AND PISS OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK FUCK FUCK-

at least 10 minutes have gone by. more females enter. more. more. talk. talk. the place is fucking packed and sounding like a parrot farm. there is some english being spoken now, but all i can hear is my heart pounding in my ears. i'm completely freaking out.

i sit there, hoping with every fibre of my heart that someone doesn't knock on my door. if it happens, should i try to imitate a female voice and answer? would that even fucking work?!! should i cut my losses and leap out of the toilet to apologise? i can't, it's already been 20 minutes! how much longer will i have to wait? all night? they'll think i've died or something and call the police or some shit... can't climb out the fucking window either... oh christ...

i see a shadow come close to my door. i can see the shape of her head. i bite down hard on my clenched fist and hope she doesn't knock.

*tap*tap*tap*

i feel like i am going to explode. a bead of sweat runs down my forehead. i want to fucking SCREAM. a few eternal seconds pass, and i actually open my mouth to say "there is someone in here" in a high pitched voice -

but i notice the shadow of her head turn. the other toilet door has opened. she walks away.

i'm dying. i want to cry. i want to leap out and smash shit up.

i've been in there for more than half an hour, and they just won't fucking leave or shut the fuck up. but there seem to be less girls than there were 5 minutes ago...

over the next ten minutes they leave. the rest of the world must have been travelling at the speed of light while i was stationary, because it seemed like it took a million years.

one woman is left. she doesn't make much noise. just when i think she i gone and that i might be able to go, i hear her moving again. then, finally, i hear her walk out through the door.

time to make my escape. but what if someone notices me leaving the girls loo? i'll just have to take that fucking chance buddy.

i open the door and run like a bomb is in the tampoon dispenser. out the girls and into the boys. i wash my hands, look at the piss troughs and feel nothing but pain.

so i tried to compose myself and walk back out. i think i now understand how it might be for someone to walk out of gaol after twenty years. it's just so hard to readjust to normal life. i didn't know what to do, didn't know where to go... walked into that room and you guys stared at me like i was a crim. you know the story from there.

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thesecret(don'ttellanybodyiwashere.don't tellanybodyiwashere.)